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Prevent Family Feuds

By Amanda Hinnant, Real Simple Magazine – 11/01/2003 – 12:00am

How to manage difficult personalities, from busybodies to “constructive” criticizers…

While you can’t control the actions of your role-playing relatives, you can at least control your own reactions. Here, authorities on etiquette and family dynamics offer strategies for handling a tableful of problem personalities. As for you, just keep up the good work.

The “Constructive” Criticizer
Often Heard Saying: “When I was in your situation, I knew exactly what I had to do.”
The Offense: Gives you unsolicited advice about everything from raising your kids to raising your hemline.
Your Course of Action: “The criticizer relies on his ability to bait you,” says etiquette consultant Sue Fox. Don’t take the bait: Thank him, point out facts he may have overlooked, and move on. If he keeps offering barbed comments disguised as advice, author Caroline Tiger suggests cutting him off with a breezy “Don’t worry about me — I’m fine!”

The Slacker
Often Heard Saying: “Yup, just a sec…I’ll be riiiight in.”
The Offense: Refuses to help with the cooking, cleaning, child care, or even candle-lighting.
Your Course of Action: “Entertain the possibility that this person doesn’t realize anyone needs help, or perhaps he’s worried that if he were given a task to complete, he’d fail,” says Tiger. Give him precise instructions, something like “Vincent, it would be a great help if you went ahead and started rinsing the dishes. Let me get you an apron.”

The Cheerleader
Often Heard Saying: Anything with exclamation points. “Hey, guys! Let’s bundle up and go caroling in the snow!”
The Offense: Hurls herself into the holiday spirit, donning seasonal sweaters with more doodads than a junk drawer.
Your Course of Action: If you’re not in the mood or if her joyousness feels forced, the cheerleader can be extremely irritating, says Fox. Don’t attempt to dampen her good cheer (she likes being the center of attention), but don’t let her cow you into wearing felt antlers to the table, either. Just keep your distance.

The Exaggerator
Often Heard Saying: “The Feds said the raid could not have gone down without my tip.”
The Offense: Chronically oversells achievements, work situations, children’s accomplishments, size of fish caught.
Your Course of Action: “It’s rude to embarrass a guest who might be exaggerating due to feeling insecure,” says Tiger. “A little hyperbole on his part isn’t too much for you to endure if it makes him feel more comfortable.” Besides, everyone else at the table probably sees right through him, too, psychologist Barry Greenwald points out.

The Martyr
Often Heard Saying: Nothing. She’s still in the kitchen, slaving away over a hot stove.
The Offense: Lets everyone know just how many potatoes she had to peel — and shows the blisters to prove it.
Your Course of Action: When she begins listing her suppertime sacrifices, interrupt with “And that is why you deserve to relax for the evening.” All you can do is ask if she needs help — if only to assure yourself that you tried. “She is obviously getting something she needs out of this, be it satisfaction or superiority,” says Tiger.

The Passive-Aggressor
Often Heard Saying: “Whatever you think is best.”
The Offense: Follows every shred of opinion with a question mark. Knows what she wants but tells you after the fact.
Your Course of Action: “This person is wounded because you haven’t been able to read her mind,” says psychologist Barry Greenwald. Her behavior is a subtle manipulative device that she is probably totally unaware of. Get past the after-the-fact guilt and ask her to be clear the next time. Say something along the lines of “If you let me know next year what kind of pie you prefer, I’ll put it on the menu.”

The Oversharer
Often Heard Saying: “The doctor doesn’t know what it is, but it itches like a mother…want to see?”
The Offense: Passes around gory details like so many candied yams. Doesn’t know what is appropriate table talk.
Your Course of Action: “Often this person makes many social blunders and believes people want to know what he has been through,” Greenwald says. Gently change the subject. Author Caroline Tiger suggests offering a related topic, such as “I hear sciatica can be very uncomfortable — especially when you’re pregnant. Grace, when is your daughter-in-law due?”

The Whiner
Often Heard Saying: “Help! My string beans are touching the gravy!”
The Offense: Makes it known that nothing is right — or as good as it was in December 1984. Complains about everything from the fork tines to the figgy pudding.
Your Course of Action: “Most malcontents are not a threat and don’t require you to do anything but continue being your usual friendly and polite self,” says etiquette consultant Sue Fox. They play the victim role as a way to get attention. Disregard their attempts to get you to share their foul mood, she advises.

The Bully
Often Heard Saying: “Everyone knows you got the beauty and your brother got the brains.”
The Offense: Doesn’t pick on people his own size. Hurts others’ feelings.
Your Course of Action: The bully uses mockery as a way of connecting with others. Don’t play his game — he probably has an arsenal of experience dating back to his days of milk-money thievery. But do stand up for yourself, and don’t back down. Fox suggests using humor to make light of his seriousness: “And you obviously got the charm.”

The Busybody
Often Heard Saying: “Got a bun in the oven yet?”
The Offense: Annually asks when you are going to get a man, get married, get pregnant, or get a life.
Your Course of Action: The busybody wants to feel superior to you by making you feel insecure. In response to her nosy inquiries, ask politely why she is asking — and smile, advises Fox. This usually embarrasses the busybody enough to make her drop the question. Sarcasm also works, says Tiger. Simply look aghast, pause, and reply, “Oh, my gosh, I forgot!” Then move on.

The Pontificator
Often Heard Saying: “Just a second, dear — I’m not finished making my point. As I was saying…”
The Offense: Dominates the conversation. Doesn’t let anyone get a word in edgewise.
Your Course of Action: This person finds himself fascinating, never mind what others think. “Seat him near those who will be least affected by his constant drivel — children, for example,” says author Caroline Tiger. Steer the conversation away from topics he typically waxes poetic about and toward ones that somebody else is expert in.

The Gossip
Often Heard Saying: “That’s not what I heard.”
The Offense: Spreads family “secrets” like butter on bread.
Your Course of Action: “Gossip is unavoidable and, for the most part, benign,” says etiquette consultant Sue Fox. “It’s just everyone’s way of showing they’re interested in other people.” There’s no need to scold guests for livening up the conversation with a few juicy details. If someone’s gossip is extreme and mean-spirited, however, think about not inviting the infectious person next year, psychologist Barry Greenwald says.

The Emotional Wreck
Often Heard Saying: “I just need closure.”
The Offense: Goes to pieces whenever the family comes together.
Your Course of Action: Give this person a chance to vent before you all sit down to supper. Assure him that you know he is going through a difficult time, and say that you want to hear all about it, author Stephen Covey suggests. Let him know you are free to listen anytime you’re able to give him your full attention — in other words, not between the soup and salad courses.

The Grinch
Often Heard Saying: “Kids, don’t get too comfortable — this is just a pit stop.”
The Offense: Hates everything. Doesn’t get that whole “quality time” thing. Prefers the game on TV to the gathering in the next room.
Your Course of Action: Let him know he can RSVP with a no, “since I know how hard these kinds of get-togethers can be for you.” If you want to spend time with him that day, try a gentle plea, like “I’d love to catch up with you — how about turning off the game and going for a quick walk?” Specify an activity with a time limit.

The Drunk Uncle
Often Heard Saying: “Less mixer, more liquor.”
The Offense: Makes it tempting to switch to sparkling cider for the sake of a peaceful dinner.
Your Course of Action: Communicate ahead of time that drinking will be limited this year, Covey says. Ask specifically for this person’s cooperation. If he insists on getting drunk, take him aside and ask that his drinking be done elsewhere. In this situation, you might try having someone with influence over him — his wife, his father — step in and negotiate. Most important, Fox says, make sure he gets home safely. Arrange for transportation if necessary.

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